well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
