Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
