When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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