I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
