his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize