I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
