remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
