This is not my ceiling
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
