NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Four minutes until I can fart!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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