Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All the doctor said was why
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
