I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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