Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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