I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
