i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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