saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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