did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
