Life is so much better after having sex.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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