but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
