"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
