theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
