My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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