Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
