what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
