My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Text me some of your sweat
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
