I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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