you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize