I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
