I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
