We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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