Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
