oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
