the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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