He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
