So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
