Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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