One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
