It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm really busy with my period
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
