worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so let's talk penis.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
