My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
