i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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