I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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