hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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