My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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