Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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