So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
