Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Come share oat with me in your robe
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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