I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Someone shit on the floor
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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