he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
