i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
