the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
