did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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