All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
