I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
