the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
