Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
